Have you ever had those days where you just want to collapse under the weight of your own inadequacy? Today was one of those days for me. The events leading up to it are rather irrelevant at this point, but to put it simply, I felt like my whole process in sanctification had stopped, and there I was, unrefined, filthy and useless, trying to find a way to get to a perfectly holy God.
I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 7:9b-10 For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. My immediate fear was that I had worldly sorrow, and would not truly be brought to repentance. After all, how easy it is to over-analyze how you’re feeling, or what you’re thinking, to a point of exhaustion and no longer feel sorry for your sin. That is worldly grief that produces death.
In seeking to discover what I most needed to pray for, I found I was talking a lot about me, myself, and I. I felt this way, I wanted things this way, I hadn’t done this, I had done this, I always got stuck here, I… i… i…
Identity.
Isn’t that the word for the hole inside of us? We are all seeking our identity. That’s why we have personalized license plates, favorite colors, clothing fashions, hair styles, and so much more. Have you ever walked into a store and immediately thought of a particular friend simply by glancing at the items? There’s a sense of identity there: That’s SO her.
Searching for that identity is quite a journey, and I would not be quick to condemn dressing in ways that are so you, or doing certain things because that’s what you do, and who you are. There is much to be said about the individual lives that God has given each one of us. He did not create a collection of unified robots and name then “R2” and “R3” and “R4.” Rather, we’re each unique, we’re each complete individuals. And that’s the way God planned it to be.
Yet, there’s one aspect of that which is easily forgotten… that I had forgotten today. And that was that mystical union with Christ- that in Christ we are spotless and purified children of God.
I told my fiancé of my distress, and he sympathized with my anxiety, but then he spoke the words of truth I so badly needed to hear.
“There are many times in one's life where there is a great sense of inadequacy. Even smart people who go to grad school to get PhDs (or just go to seminary) look at everything, throw their hands up, and say, "What am I doing? I hardly know anything." You could Proverbs 1:7 and Colossians 2:2-3 it up! Or you could get some Hebrews 12:22-24 action in your life. But, probably what you need to realize is this....having a good theology with all of one's t's cross and i's dotted, and being in a relationship (even being engaged or married) is not going to be your solution in life. Because when your theology just doesn't speak to you at a certain moment, you feel like all is crumbling. You have to remember you would have never gotten to the holy mountain top simply by growing in grace.”
What I did today was cast aside my faith for a unsatisfying religion. I knew I was a miserable worm, and felt that uselessness rather acutely. But rather than running to the cross and claiming the promises of God, and glorifying Him for the beautiful, inexplicable union that we have in Christ, I grieved with a worldly grief that I wasn’t as good as I could be and sought to rectify the problem by trying to “grow in grace” and please the Lord. But we cannot get to that mountain top by growing in grace, we cannot even come to the bottom of that mountain by growing in anything- grace, goodness, or love.
Truth is: our identity without Christ is deadness. And no amount of working, and wiggling, crying or screaming can get us anywhere else. Until we can glorify in the work the Lord has done in us through Christ whatever we think we are is useless. Our identity is useless, unless it is found in Christ. Really, when, with humility we realize what we are without him there should be a great deal of grief- grief that is transformed into repentance and then to joy. Such is the joy of Christ.
It’s been nearly two weeks since I wrote that, and I must say that the joy of the Lord has been richer and deeper than it has been in nearly a year. Not that I have not been happy, because I certainly have; but there is little that replaces the deep, fathomless love of God. My heart is overflowing with a good theme! (Ps. 45:1)
I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 7:9b-10 For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. My immediate fear was that I had worldly sorrow, and would not truly be brought to repentance. After all, how easy it is to over-analyze how you’re feeling, or what you’re thinking, to a point of exhaustion and no longer feel sorry for your sin. That is worldly grief that produces death.
In seeking to discover what I most needed to pray for, I found I was talking a lot about me, myself, and I. I felt this way, I wanted things this way, I hadn’t done this, I had done this, I always got stuck here, I… i… i…
Identity.
Isn’t that the word for the hole inside of us? We are all seeking our identity. That’s why we have personalized license plates, favorite colors, clothing fashions, hair styles, and so much more. Have you ever walked into a store and immediately thought of a particular friend simply by glancing at the items? There’s a sense of identity there: That’s SO her.
Searching for that identity is quite a journey, and I would not be quick to condemn dressing in ways that are so you, or doing certain things because that’s what you do, and who you are. There is much to be said about the individual lives that God has given each one of us. He did not create a collection of unified robots and name then “R2” and “R3” and “R4.” Rather, we’re each unique, we’re each complete individuals. And that’s the way God planned it to be.
Yet, there’s one aspect of that which is easily forgotten… that I had forgotten today. And that was that mystical union with Christ- that in Christ we are spotless and purified children of God.
I told my fiancé of my distress, and he sympathized with my anxiety, but then he spoke the words of truth I so badly needed to hear.
“There are many times in one's life where there is a great sense of inadequacy. Even smart people who go to grad school to get PhDs (or just go to seminary) look at everything, throw their hands up, and say, "What am I doing? I hardly know anything." You could Proverbs 1:7 and Colossians 2:2-3 it up! Or you could get some Hebrews 12:22-24 action in your life. But, probably what you need to realize is this....having a good theology with all of one's t's cross and i's dotted, and being in a relationship (even being engaged or married) is not going to be your solution in life. Because when your theology just doesn't speak to you at a certain moment, you feel like all is crumbling. You have to remember you would have never gotten to the holy mountain top simply by growing in grace.”
What I did today was cast aside my faith for a unsatisfying religion. I knew I was a miserable worm, and felt that uselessness rather acutely. But rather than running to the cross and claiming the promises of God, and glorifying Him for the beautiful, inexplicable union that we have in Christ, I grieved with a worldly grief that I wasn’t as good as I could be and sought to rectify the problem by trying to “grow in grace” and please the Lord. But we cannot get to that mountain top by growing in grace, we cannot even come to the bottom of that mountain by growing in anything- grace, goodness, or love.
Truth is: our identity without Christ is deadness. And no amount of working, and wiggling, crying or screaming can get us anywhere else. Until we can glorify in the work the Lord has done in us through Christ whatever we think we are is useless. Our identity is useless, unless it is found in Christ. Really, when, with humility we realize what we are without him there should be a great deal of grief- grief that is transformed into repentance and then to joy. Such is the joy of Christ.
It’s been nearly two weeks since I wrote that, and I must say that the joy of the Lord has been richer and deeper than it has been in nearly a year. Not that I have not been happy, because I certainly have; but there is little that replaces the deep, fathomless love of God. My heart is overflowing with a good theme! (Ps. 45:1)
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Dearest... <3
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